The Magic of Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

The Magic of Golf and the mature man.

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf and consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that, the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it and I have faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. She was closest to the pin.

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt," before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole. When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year-old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green,carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to he right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray haired grandfather walked up to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and skill every time.

The Magic of High Gas Prices.

High gas prices at the pump are really hitting home and will only get worse. I put a ton of miles on my car being in outside sales. The tax write off does little to really offset the cost of my car and its operation on a daily basis.
We are told the the high cost is due to increased demand to countries like China and to speculators on the stock market. That production costs have not really risen at all. Just the price.
Last week the President of China, President Hu met our President HUH?
It is really tough writing this and knowing that I helped put this guy into office. Gas prices where we live have gone up a record 240% since ole dubya took office. WOW!!!!
That is unreal and more than the average guy like me can stomach. So...the approval rating according to a FOX news survey now drops 33%. The President is urged to do something with his administration. Shake things up!!!. So he does what? Forces his press secretary to resign. The most talked about replacement..Tony Snow from Fox News. If he gets the job it will be the first time the name of the press secretary has matched the job he is to perform.
God Bless America cause we are needing it really bad.

The Magic of a Strange World

Bill Gates had dinner last night with the President of China. Think about this. One has all the tea in China and the other enough money to buy it!!

Okay....another strange one.

Tom Crusie and his bride to be have a child yesterday. Brooke Shields also gives birth yesterday.
You might remember the two tangled about post partum depression and the use of anti depressants last year. What are the odds?

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

(A) '65 Ford Fairlane

(B) '86 Dodge Diplomat

(C) '80 Ford pickup.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't cha? It's okay if ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya there's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare ya for in this life. As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK MATH CHALLENGE", here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place a delivery order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

The magic of Judas, Kelly Clarkson, DIck Cheney and Simon Cowell.

A man jumped the fence at the White House Monday. Dick Cheney took a shot at the guy but missed and killed a tree.

American Idol's Simon Cowell grooms his chest hair. Reportedly the caustic judge goes to a hair salon to be trimmed and pampered. All I can recall is the scene from "40 year old virgin" when the guys gets his chest waxed and screams "KELLY CLARKSON". If the hairdresser nips his nipple what does Simon say?

I watched the National Geographic special about the gospel according to Judas this week.
Some say Jesus asked Judas to betray him and perhaps actually praised him.
I can hear that conversation now. "Judas..you're doing one hell of a job!"

Magic in the News

Tom DeLay has announced his resignation from Congress. Democrats think it's all about money. DeLay's an exterminator by trade, and there are more rats in Texas than in Congress.

Top 5 Stories on the First "CBS Evening News with Katie Couric"
5) 15-minute interview with the latest "Survivor" loser
4) Katie's first nightly "Eye on Cute People" special Report
3) Spotlight on the people celebrating their 100th birthday... in the U.S. Senate
2) Investigative report on Laura Bush's muffin recipes
1) Katie's latest colonoscopy... live and uncut! YUCK!!

The Bush Administration says the recovery of New Orleans could take as long as 25 years. This is good news, as before Hurricane Katrina it would have taken 50 years to fix up New Orleans.