The magic of 72 virgins.....

I recieved this on the net this evening..thought it might bring a smile to some.

After his death, Al-Zarqawi went to heaven. There, he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across his face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Al-Zarqawi in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Al-Zarqawi in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Al-Zarqawi many times with a long cane and said, "it was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain, an Angel appeared. Al-Zarqawi wept and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me!

"The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"

The magic of growing up!

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hookup" and "break up".
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@#! kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good *&@#."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead
of asking "Oh *&@# what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

The Magic of Immigration.

Certainly all of this talk of immigration has given me reason to pause and reflect about my own background and how my family came to be here in the United States.
On my mother's side we are many generations American. So far back that no written history of her relatives arrival still exist. We can trace back to the mid 19th century with lines that were both Irish and English somewhere before that.
On my fathers side it is somewhat easier. My grandfather came over from Poland and arrived at Ellis Island and stood in line. Went through numerous tests and health certifications and was finally allowed in with his brother who soon left the country and headed for Canada never to be heard from again. My father's mother was smuggled into the country through a port in the Carolina's as a housekeeper servant and then made her way up the east coast at the age of 13 where she setteled in New Jersey and met my grandfather and were married by the time she was 14. Unusual by today's standards but not so unusual for the time. She was a bold and independent young woman who met a bold and determined man who she would remain married to until his death in 1965. More than fifty years together and 9 children, two who would pass shortly after birth.
They spent nearly every waking moment working, building and creating a better life for themselves and thier family than they would have had if they had stayed in Poland.
My grandfather a constuction and sometimes a factory laborer. My grandmother a homemaker and a buisness woman. He could read and write. She could not, but could do math in her head and manage money better than those who had the schooling to do so for years. I took her grocery shopping in her elder years and she would tell the clerk what she spent to the penny by putting the money in her hand prior to the first ring of the cash register. I saw this several times and was always amazed because during the picking out of groceries she would talk to me the entire way never seeming to be adding up the bill at the same time.

They came for a better life. A better oppurtunity for thier future children and thier children.
They did not care what job they got as long as they were working enough to support themselves and thier children with the hope that they could always progress along the way into something better yet again. They bought homes, lost a very large farm in Michigan during the depression and worked to rebuild thier life to buy yet another. The one I grew up on.

There are thousands and thousands of similar stories of those who came from other places to make their place here. Always wanting to build something better.
Build a wall and stop it from happening for others??? I for one can not do that and still pay homage to my grandparents for wanting better things for me. I dont like walls except on homes and workplaces for future Americans.

The Magic of taking a walk on the wild side.

The U.S.Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in the southern areas of La.,Ms.,Ala.and Fla.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.

People should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator droppings and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are small and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

The Magic of Jerry Springer??????

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation.

"A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

"Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!

"And you think YOU have family problems!!!"